Our First Christmas Without You!

Our first Christmas with out you near was not like any other Christmas. Between getting ready for your “Celebration of Life” Memorial & taking care of Jim who ended up with bronchitis  & my mom who ended up with asthmatic bronchitis & on oxygen. I sat as others opened their presents & the kids were given theirs. It was a world win of activities. I just felt that somehow I was left out of Christmas this year because I  did not have you with us. Your sister could not make it up at this time of year either. The pain I felt & the loneliness was unbearable  to take. Most of the time we spent in PA I stayed in the 3 season room in front of the small fireplace with an electric blanket wrapped around my legs and a winter coat over my shoulders.  I have not been the Christmas mood this year and did very little decoration. I know when I came to PA that I would get to spend some time with you.  Aunt Annette took me to the area that you  passed away so I can place the cross that Jim made & I decorated.

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I can remember so many past Christmases that I  had felt the joy of watching you & your     sister opening your presents. It does bring a smile to my face. I know I tried to make sure even if you did not get what all the other kids got that was in that you did get things that would make you happy.  We did not have a lot of money but I tried to stay within our means so I did not end up with a stack of credit card bills after Christmas.  Did you have a happy childhood?  Did I do  the right things when you were growing up?  Did you know that I would have given my life for you & your sister?  Do you understand why some things were done while other things were not?  I question myself so often about how I raised you & your sister.  I know I worked my butt to make sure I could give you what you needed.  Your dad’s pay paid some of the house bills but we also needed most of mine so that did not leave a lot  for extras.

Each day It takes everything inside me to hold it together. We have gotten through your birthday, 4th of July, your birthday, Thanksgiving & Christmas & New Years but even though the time keeps moving forward I can not seem to move with it.  My heart aches to hold you , see your smile, hear you laugh, wipe your tears away. easy your fears & burdens. These and so many other things  are what I miss  most. I wish we could turn back the clock & do things different or if I could have gotten to see you before you left this world. I hurt so much and feel so alone & empty.  God will continue to work with me to strengthen me. He knows my prayers requests & what I really need.

I know our Christmases will never be the same ever again. One of my greatest gifts that had been given to me  has been taken away to never be returned back. I know as a child when something was taken away you must have done something really wrong or bad but you also knew if you started to do things right you were given the gift back so you could hold on to it forever or until it wore out but this time I know my gift will not be returned but kept safe so I can have it back as long as I do right. But until that time My precious gift ( My son) has wings.

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