Time Has Stopped!

1-K C 1As time goes by and every one is busy doing things and running from place to place around me but I seem to be lost in a never-ending place where time has not moved forward. My friends and family seem to be going on with their lives while I am stuck were time does not advance at all.  They are making happy memories while my memories are all I have. I am living in the past from June 25,2013.  Even in my own house things are going forward when I feel like a part of me is gone forever.

On August 11, 1976 I woke up that morning feeling a little uncomfortable and felt like I had to go to the bathroom every couple of minutes.  I did not know why this was happening so I called my sister and she told me to call my DR.  After I called the DR. they told me to head to the ER. because they felt my water had broken. I woke my husband and we headed to the local hospital to see what was going on. Yes my water had broken almost 3 weeks. early and they told me that the alternate DR. would be there soon.  I was in the delivery ward at 11 am. waiting for things  to  start.

Around 4 pm. my contractions started and the nurses had a DR. on call to break my water. After they broke my water the contractions got worse. The nursing staff had left the delivery ward to have a baby shower or bridal shower for one of the nurses. All of a sudden I had a contraction hit 100 on the meter and I passed out but when I came to my husband noticed a puddle of blood on the floor and started looking for help. They came running in and had to redo my IV because the vein had blown. They started to get worried because my DR. did not come yet and they called her again and told her that I was passing out from the contractions. She finally arrived at 4:45 pm. and realized that my baby and I were in trouble. They tried to induce me to deliver and at 8:30 pm they decided to do a Cesarean section due to my heart rate and the babies having problems and my blood pressure was in the danger zone. They tried to give me an epidural but after 4 tries they put me under. So at 9:18 pm I had a 6 pound 3 oz. 17 in. baby boy.  I was in ICU when I woke up and was aware that I was no longer in the delivery room but in a room with older men around me.keith II

Once I came to I saw my mom and step dad looking at me with worried eyes.  Then I would go out again but then come to again and they then took me to my room in the maternity ward. I got to see my son and  feed him the next day. I walked the hall to see him and after 3 days I got to have him in the room with me.  It was so nice having in the room with me but my room-mate lost her son so I had them take my son back to the nursery so it did not add more salt to her sound.  We named my son Keith Chester II but called him KC.

KC was a good baby and was an active little boy. He was into anything that was competitive.  He played little league for many years and was also on the All Star team.  But as he got older his interest turned to girls and he became more of a free spirit. He had done some things I was not happy about but I still loved him but many days I did not like what he did.

But on June 2oth , 2013 he was 36 yrs. old and I had lived in GA and he was in PA.  He had called me like he tried to every Sunday but this week he called on a Thursday and we talked and he told me a bout a new job he got  and that they were going to let him work 7 days a week so he could save to get an apartment for himself and his girlfriend. He was so happy that day and was the best I had heard him in yrs. He called because he realized what the date was and that he forgot my birthday on the 15th and wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday and to see how I was feeling.  I was so happy to hear from him this day and proud of what his goals were. His day started out on the 25th going to is Nana to borrow $5 for a bus pass. Then he was on the internet and posted a few things.  Then around 9 pm he went to borrow another $10 from his Nana.  A few hours later he met up with a friend and drank some beer and laughed and talk. While his friend was talking KC knelt on the ground and clasped his hands behind his head. His friend kept talking until he realized KC was not answering him so he thought he passed out due to drinking so he laid him on his back and tried to wake him.  Another guy happened to come by and ask about KC when his friend realized he was not breathing and they did compression and mouth to mouth. His friend ran to get someone to call paramedics and came back. They took him to the same hospital that he was born at around 12:15 and he was pronounced dead at 12:25 am and I got a call at 1 am. I was on the phone most of the day until my new husband got home from work and we drove toward PA. I got into PA near my home town around 5 pm on the 26th and I called the coroner to see id I can see my son to make sure it was him since no family member ID  him. They refused and I found out where he passed and met the men that knew him and the one that tried to save his life.  My world fell apart on the day I did view him but A part of me died the day he did.

I have not been able to keep my eyes dry for very long.  And I only go out of the house if I absolutely have to. I stay in my PJs all day long most days. I feel so all alone and can talk to my hubby but I still feel like I have no one to talk to  most days. I miss my son so much. My heart is broken into pieces. I can not even bring myself to go to church. I did try 2 wks. ago and was so  upset I started to cry and had a hard time to suppress my tears.134681_1244577370483_2150049_o

When most are moving forward in their lives I want to go back to the day I spoke to my son and not go forward from there but that just can not happen. We can not go back to change things because we do not like them or are hurt and in pain.

The last week and a half has been so hard on me even though it is almost 9 months since my son was called to heaven. They tell me the pain may never go away fully but  you just one day go forward  until you realize the tears are not coming as often as they had been but I have been also told  it is still so fresh since it happened only 9 months ago.  Even though it feels like it was this morning when I got that call.  For 9 months I keep playing it over in my head and try to understand why I hear a lady screaming & crying , What happened to my son?  Where is he? When? Why? No! No not my baby! Please you have the wrong name. It can’t be my son. How do you know? Who told you it was my son? Did a family member identify him?  Please  tell me this is a sick prank.   My Baby, my baby, what happened. I just talked to you and you were good. Please God help me!  Next came more phone calls. The coroner to do an autopsy,  then someone who wanted his organs and eyes and skin.  As I sit there  that early morning by myself I had to make a call to his father then his sister and then my brother in-law to go to my mom’s house to be there when she finds out. Doing this all but not feeling anything but pain and emptiness. I still feel so empty.  Time has stopped just like my life has  stopped. 3/06/14

It has been 3 years 7 months and 2 days since Keith has passed and when I wrote this post the pain was so fresh and I felt I was so lost and alone. If it was not for God Jim i would have known how strong  I really  was. Don’t get me wrong there are day I fall to pieces but I  have learned to put my trust in  God we will all be together again.  1/27/2017092

Christmas 2009 my 2 special men in my life